By Jeffrey Dinsmore
The camera operator slapped the clapboard together, Werner raised his megaphone to his mouth, yelled, "Action!" and suddenly, there I was, acting in a Hollywood film.
Excerpt from The Slippery Girls of Grizzly Gulch by W. Von Growler
FADE IN
(Broadly, Madge, and Cat gather near Gus in bed.)
Gus: What is man? Is he the fortune that one tries to find in the rock? Or is he the home one builds with one's sweat and toil? Is he his daughter, or his daughter's lover? What is man?
Madge: I have so much fear!
Cat: Fear is celebration.
Madge: I have so much fear inside!
Broadly and Gus: Fear is SUFFERING.
(A knock comes on the door.)
Prawns: I have orders!
(Broadly opens door.)
Broadly: Who are you?
Prawns: I am Prawns! I have orders!
(Madge begins crying.)
Madge: I have so much fear inside!
Gus (grasping out to uncaring God): It is like a sickness deep inside, her fear!
Prawns: I am smitten! You have smited me! Who is this lovely girl?
Broadly: You'll not know!
(Broadly beats Prawns unmercifully, but necessary. Madge and Cat dodge oranges.)
At this point in the scene, Von Growler began pitching oranges at me and Cassie.
"Avoid zem!" Von Growler screamed. "Avoid ze oranges!"
"The fear slices my throat like a spiny sausage!" I wailed. I caught a flash of orange at the edge of my vision and ducked just in time to avoid a direct collision. The orange sailed past me and smacked Dashiell (Gus) directly in the face.
"Ow!" Dashiell said, raising his hands to his face.
"Don't stop acting!" Von Growler screamed. "Avoid ze oranges, you vools!"
"How the fuck am I supposed to avoid the oranges?" Dashiell asked. "I'm trapped in this bed!"
"Gus! Vash your hands!" Von Growler shouted through the megaphone. "Everyone elze continue!"
"How can we continue without Gus?" Archie asked.
"Prawns! Vash your hands!"
Cassie, Royston and I continued to act the rest of the scene, skipping awkwardly over Dashiell and Archie's lines and ducking from side to side to avoid the onslaught of oranges. At the end of the scene, Werner yelled, "Cut! Print! Wrap!"
The cameras stopped whirring. Cast and crew stared at Werner in astonishment. He removed his sailor hat and placed it on the chair next to him.
"You all do very vell vor virst day," he said. "Now ve shoot ze zong mit Broadly and Cat. You know zis song?"
"I haven't heard it yet," Cassie said.
"Me neither," Royston answered.
"Ha ha ha!" Von Growler laughed jovially. "Ov course you did not hear zis. You did not yet zing it! Ha ha ha."
Von Growler smiled at us all.
"Now, I know vat you tink. You tink mebee my mesids is zomewhat unorsidox. You are right! Von Growler does not do zings like Hollywood! Von Growler does zings like zey do zem in ze vuture!"
He looked around at the thoroughly confused cast and crew, his face beaming with pride...
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